You don't text at 3am to start a relationship.

  I love planning things. I take pride in my ability to organize and scheme, write to-do lists and follow through on them. I crave order, and enjoy seeing a well developed plan come to fruition. But…I also LOVE drunk texts. The act of drunk texting should contradict my love for preparation, but instead, it brings joy to my OCD heart. Although I do very much prefer being on the receiving end.

There is something amazing about the random instance of inebriation that stimulates a creative spurt that makes for a sometimes hilarious, usually rude awakening the next morning. Checking your history from the night before usually requires a few deep breaths.

Rewind to the night before. The moment you press send, you have done something irreversible: told a dark secret, ratted out a friend, admitted a deep burning truth, announced a sexual fantasy, led someone on, bitched someone out, cock teased a crush, delivered an undecipherable string of words (which is your best case scenario)—basically ruined your reputation in some blush-worthy way.

The good news is, most people are so used to receiving drunk texts that they don’t read too much into them. ..or that’s what we tell ourselves. It isn't true. We have all spent countless Saturday and Sunday mornings communally deciphering the meaning of texts sent by mangled slurring textjaculators (copyright VW) the night before. This usually makes me feel like I am right back in English class, looking for a deeper meaning, a hidden metaphor or example of imagery. There are usually lots. This is probably the most practical application of my English Degree. Thank you Queen’s. Too bad that when considering texts from the opposite sex, there generally isn't much to "get"--most late night texts are booty calls. Sorry to break your bub, but you don't contact the opposite sex at 3am to start a relationship.

As a respectable married woman who admittedly still lives my life in somewhat of an undergrad fashion (excessive drinking and partying), I have somehow trained my inebriated self to limit my drunk texts to proclamations of love for my girlfriends. Saturday night is a perfect example: I was sitting in a bar, enjoying the live band, when a familiar tune started playing. SANTERIA by SUBLIME. I reach for my phone, to text SWF, the very person I used to lip sync or more commonly scream along to this song with back in undergrad. BUZZZZZZZ. I couldn’t believe my cross eyes.

It was SWF, beating me to the punch. Sometimes, drunk texts appear to be little miracles. Coincidences are always more fun after a few dirty martinis.

The exchange went a little something like this:

SWF: “Love you like it’s going out of style. For real”.
MMA: “Hey SWF, you texted me as the band started playing Santeria. Love!’
SWF: “you are my fave”
MMA: “You are my love of life”
SWF: “you make my life a better one”

It then degenerated to some dirty and weird exchange that is not suitable for the average reader’s eyes, even those who are not faint of heart.But, because the site Texts from last night exists, I will share some gems I came across instead of tainting our reputation. Reading them makes me feel a lot better about myself.They help me confirm my own normalcy as I scoff hypocritically at these ‘drunken fools’. Here’s hoping my texts (or yours) will never compare to these:

(312): I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm.




(858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

-you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS.

(330): Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

(339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall.

(317): she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

(720): I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop.

(936): you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

-I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

Ok maybe that last one could have been me, but it wasn’t.

My French Maid costume is missing though…

Come on Sweet Cheeks..

I have a well-educated suspicion that my blog sister is going to be writing an Ode to Grandma Undies, and so I am taking this opportunity to defend the invention of the thong, save our blog’s image on the free web, and of course avoid the average demographic of our blog follower being 75 and retired. SWF can bash the t-bar and sing praises to the Balloon Undies God as much as she wants, but when it comes to practicality, aesthetics, (and in my opinion, comfort), Sisqo has it right-thongs are just one of the ‘finer things in life’. Ah, I am a bit embarrassed Sisqo just made it into my post, but I am certain SWF will be cursing his name all over our blog.

Why?

Because for some unknown reason, she feels like MORE of a woman by wearing MORE material on her buttocks. Instead of trying to convince the female world (I  am confident I don’t have to, since most are capable of properly choosing suitable underwear), I will simply be directing my comments at SWF trying to delve into her psyche a little bit. It all began with a 911 email from her saying : “I am wearing a thong today. And I might murder someone”. The little itty bit of material covering her nether regions is causing this much animosity? I must intervene.

I decided this topic deserved some attention and good old fashioned research. I found a discussion board online (WHY there so many “I hate Thong’ forums out there is beyond me--most of them have probably been started by SWF and her full coverage fans). While the following will not promise to be an intelligent glimpse into the type of people who generally opt to wear Poofers, it may be telling in that fact alone. I am hoping that maybe by the end of this post, you will let your cheeks free. My dreadful findings:

Posted by: The Answerer
I wear them because i don't want my pantyline to show and they dont give me wedgies because i make sure that i have a fresh pair on everyday because by the second day they get moist form being in your behind for so long and you start to feel them .

First of all, you are just disgusting. I am glad you have come to the realization that a daily underwear change is necessary. Congratulations on being so hygiene conscious. Secondly, you have helped me remember one of my pet peeve words: moist. I hate that second day moistness. Will add to the Pet Peever page asap.

Posted by: Brandi L
I hate them, them, they are ugly and uncomfortable, anyone who wears them, have a fun type with that wedgie.

Well, Brandi, the fact that they are ugly is your own fault. You do have a choice in what you buy. No one is forcing you at gunpoint to purchase thongs with cherry bombs on them. Secondly, get spell check.

Posted by: sarbear
theyre so unhealthy for ur butt.

Thanks Sarbear, cute name. I can see you have indepth medical knowledge. You have enlightened the world.

Please tell me your anti- thong arguments are not in tune with the above reflections. I wouldn’t even be upset if you stopped reading this post now, so that you could rush off to throw out all your discussion board-poster under garments, and replenish your stock with some cute ones resembling these personal favs:

I would like to think that people who wear thongs are not only wearing them to ‘feel sexy’, or to impress the opposite sex. If you rely on a small piece of fabric to ‘feel sexy’, then chances are you need a bit more help than that. I would hope that a woman feels sexiest with nothing on at all. The naked body should trump all the sexy thongs on the market.

It’s true, the person inside the thong does contribute to the overall look in a large way (sometimes larger than others).

I am sure most men wouldn’t throw Heidi Klum out of bed if she showed up donning pair of granny panties, and catching a glimpse of Susan Boyle strutting around in a thong would be enough to leave you sleepless…probably forever. But in general, for those of us who exist in the ‘normal’ spectrum, a little thong action can only be a good thing.

I’m sure SWF can’t deny that the basic aesthetic design of the thong is far more attractive than the full coverage cotton granny. Her take on thongs will always remain a mystery to me. I. JUST. DON’T. get it. She likes nice things. She is well put together and looks great. She carries Michael Kors purses on her shoulder. She wears cute heels, and then…..unzip. AH!! She is wearing BRIGHT YELLOW granny panties. If that isn’t a ‘caution’ sign, I don’t know what is. SWF, get your sweet cheeks into a thong. STAT. Stop living the life of a Nonna!

And for the record, thongs are not ALWAYS the best choice. I am not a lunatic who wears a thong while dressed in a flowing skirt and standing above a subway grate with an updraft. There is admittedly, a time and a place for booty shorts and fullbacks:
1. Windy days
2. Athletic pursuits
3. Short skirts that have some bounce and flounce
4. That's all i can think of.

Hey Sisqo! Call me.