Hey Tiger! Thanks for checking in but..I don't care. At all. Not even a little bit.

There are certain things I really care about in this world. I am not a totally disinterested member of society who lives in my own little bubble of self worth. Unfortunately, the details of Tiger Woods' intimate extra marital encounters is not something I care to see coverage about on THE NATIONAL NEWS. I watch TMZ and assorted other celebrity gossip shows for my fill of the Hollywood limelight stories, and that's where I think they should stay. And while I admit that not every story on TMZ is a gem--ie. oh wow-- Lil Wayne got 8 root canals in one sitting- at least I don't have it shoved down my throat on a reputable news network.

I am not sure why this came as such a shocker to the world. Tiger is NOT the first celebrity who has committed an act of dishonesty or betrayal and he is certainly not the last. There always seems to be a massive outcry, and then some scripted public announcement of guilt followed by a feigned attempt at gaining back the respect from the public eye through a teary apology:

"I am sorry for the pain I have caused. I want to say to each of you simply and directly that i am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior" Blah. Blah. Blah. I could have predicted the contents of his entire speech.

We get it. You are sorry. So sorry. ......sorry for getting caught.

You would not be swallowing your pride and risking your image and sponsorship in front of millions if you hadnt been caught in the act. You would not simply 'man up' and tell-all because you felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. But, because you failed to discretely partake in these affairs, you now have to face the interrogation lights. You wouldn't be enlisted in sex rehab if your wife hadn't checked your phone and found all kinds of dirty texts between you and a bunch of fame whores.You set yourself up for this fate. What would you be doing today if you hadn't been caught? Probably chasing tail in Vegas, using your big and bad Tiger name and relishing your suave and debonair way with women. Maybe it was Nike's fault. They told you to JUST DO IT. You were only obeying.

I think the assumption you and the newsmakers are making is that we, as a collective, care. I guess some  do..but for the rest of us, please don't splatter it all over the news where most people go to grab important, relevant and timely information  This is an embarrassment to the notion of national news.

Tiger,  I used to openly choose to watch you do what you do best on the greens. Now, annoyingly, I am being forced to watch you on the news for something else you apparently do best-puppeteering the public into caring one way or another about you.

Saturday Night Live thanks you for your press conference, they now have lots of material to work with.

Give us some AMMO

We aren't running dry, we still have endless topics to discuss, but we wanna write about what YOU want to read.

Use the comments section to throw some topics at us. We will try and please the crowds.

How bout a Diamond bracelet for a Whopper?

Summary notes:

• Hoarders are disturbed individuals.
• They often live in shit.
• I lose my appetite every Monday night at 10pm, watching them try to exist in their cluttered lives.
• Their living spaces often resemble the aftermath of a natural disaster.
• I might add hoarders to my list of pet peeves.
• Single White Femme better pick up her socks (literally) to avoid this fate. 

I can hardly stomach the show Hoarders. It's not even the car wreck effect where you can't look away, as is the case with Intervention, another one of A&E's beauts. Instead, I am absolutely unable to watch someone live in a state of disaster and subject their CHILDREN to a life of piled boxes, clutter, filth, countless (useless) items and sometimes literal shit. I even saw an episode where the kids were forced to sleep in tents in the backyard. No big deal, just a cockroach infestation. Sleeping in tents? Fun for a night in the summer with your friends. Not so fun when you are cuddled up next to your brother and sister due to lack of better options.

I am getting more and more angry just thinking about it, and part of me wants to hoard all these neglectful hoarders up into a house all together. It wouldn't be torture, they would be in utter bliss. Collectors unite! They could sit around in their diapers, on boxes of used tupper ware and broken toasters and compare 'gems'. I wonder if A&E would be open to that pilot proposal.

I know we all have our attachments to "things" that have some sort of important meaning attributed to them, and sometimes our lives get too busy and the household chore schedule falls to the wayside. I am not the female version of Mr. Clean. I do not dust my house every week. I have held onto old notes from grade school. I made a mirror frame out trident gum wrappers (note: this was done in 1993). I sleep with my baby blanket under my pillow. I collect pens and markers. I keep things past the expiry date in the fridge and sometimes, I even consume them (after a visual/smell test of course). Yogurt usually passes the test by a week.

But what concerns me, is that these people are seemingly unable to make decisions about the value of things. I would love to offer my brutally honest opinion of the value of their belongings but I have a feeling there isn't a thing someone could say that would clue them into reality. Cleaning up a Hoarder's environment would not be easy. This wouldn't just involve grabbing some bins, marking them A and B and organizing. This wouldn't be a matter of tossing the useless stuff to the curb. Why? Because everything is simply precious.

There is no way that someone who squeezes their body through passageways narrowed by piled boxes will be open for a discussion on the value of a tidy home. Someone whose clothes for daily use are draped on boxes on the floor will not want to hear about that closet organizer on sale at Walmart.  Someone who becomes too embarrassed to entertain friends in their disaster of a house loses that outside objectivity and soon, their clutter becomes their only 'friend'. There wouldn't be a square inch for anyone to sit, anyway. God this is depressing.

 







One of the 'hoarder therapists' that tried to make sense of the mess these hoarders call their lives once suggested that a crumpled hamburger wrapper is no different than a box of diamonds to these people. To them, everything has value, or potential for future use, even if it's broken or trash. So they keep everything. My newest mission is to locate some hoarders and propose a burger-diamond tradesies. I can easily round up a few whoppers and quarter pounders to part with. To make it even more appealing, I will even throw in a burger along with the wrapper!


I sincerely hope these hoarders have blind partners lacking olfactory glands and having had a prior lobotomy, because otherwise they are looking at a lonely existence. No one with their sight, smell, and of their right mind would consider subjecting themselves to a life of utter filth.

Sentimental Waste

Let’s. Talk. Hoarders.
(If you live under a rock click here)

This gem of a reality show raises a lot of questions and observations like:

*How does one not realize there are several dead and decaying cat carcasses under their bed?

*Excuse me sir, but the fact that you have to defecate on newspapers because you keep your collection of old, useless, pieces of wood in the bathroom, is a little out of control

*How can your love of tchotchkes and trash be greater than the love you have for your children, who have been sleeping in tents because your home is infested with bed bugs?

You know – questions and observations like that.

We are all quick to judge these people who haven’t seen the surface area of their kitchen floor since the Clinton administration (I have always wanted to say that!) However, recent events have led me to wonder – if maybe there isn’t a little bit of a “Hoarder” hiding in each and every one of us?

This thought occurred to me the other day when I popped open the trunk of my car and discovered 5 boxes of vinyls taken from somebody’s trash (they were for a friend who asked me to keep my eyes open for him – but still), a box of colorful leis from a bachelorette party that happened over 6 months ago, a coffee urn that I really should return to work, and about 8 pairs of shoes.
There was a moment of horror before I convinced myself that all of this crap was definitely stuff I could toss (except the coffee urn, because that is actually expensive, and the shoes) without getting the sweats and having a meltdown.
I reassured myself that I was keeping all of this junk hidden in my trunk because I was lazy and messy and not because I was mentally ill and trying to breed a herd of rats in my Sentra.

I will admit that I have always had a “messy” streak. My room in University looked like a perpetual 4 year bomb had detonated… and while to this day I still have a chair in my room that is used primarily for collecting clothes rather than for sitting in and gazing out the window, I’ve definitely cleaned up my act.

In fact just the other day I was doing a quick clean up of my room – hanging up clothes from the weekend, putting away my make up, and throwing out the empty water bottle from my bedside table. I went to put the bottle in the trash and stopped myself. You see, I had this amazing date on Friday with a guy I am crazy about. At the end of the date I was insanely thirsty and went to purchase a bottle of water and a package of gum to ready myself for an end of date kiss. I didn’t have any change so I pulled out my debit card, but my date insisted, and reached his dreamy hand into his dreamy pocket and broke a $20 bill.
Suddenly, remembering this moment, I was unable to immediately part with the empty water bottle and convinced myself that I could let it stay there …just a little while longer… to preserve the moment.

This afternoon after lunch – I ate the last piece of gum in the pack. The empty pack is now in my purse instead of the trash bin where it belongs. I think we all know that there is nothing more irritating than an empty package of gum in ones purse.
And when I emptied my jean pockets I realized that I had the receipt for these items and I didn’t even pay!! You guessed it; the receipt is in now in my wallet for safekeeping.

Even as I write this, I am cracking myself up and my cheeks are red with embarrassment. The fact that I am keeping date “mementos” is really lame (ok, pathetic and creepy) and I am pretty confident that if my crush knew I was doing this, it would be considered a “turn off”.

What really worries me though, is that these items are trash. It’s not like I’m drying flowers for decorative purposes here…. I am keeping garbage by tricking myself into believing that it “means something”
OMG I’m Hoarding!!! And in some cases ….subconsciously !! – Hello mysterious receipt for items I didn’t pay for!?

Suddenly I can begin to empathize with these poor, crazy, people and it worries me.
What I do know, is the minute I stop typing, that empty package of Cinnamon Flavored Dentyne is going in the bin …. and ditto for the bottle of water that is still on my bedside collecting dust.

I feel incredibly lucky that I hit rock bottom so early in my illness and that I am able to recognize my problem before my friends stage an intervention and I am swimming in a sea of “Sentimental Waste”.

What I do know is the next time I tune into A&E Hoarders, I will try to watch with less judgment and chagrin – keeping in mind that often what we despise in others is what we really despise in ourselves.
…. That is however until there is any mention of poop, bed bugs, or dead animals –when judgment and disgust will resume and prevail.